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nothing much. [12 Oct 2006|01:23pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Ok it has been a while once again. Nothing mcuh to talk about. Back in germany now and I will probably be here for a few more months. :( I miss my puppy...

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MOIN! [19 Jul 2006|05:51pm]
It has been a while since I have been here and the only thing that has changed is that i have a dog. His name is MOIN!

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[08 Nov 2005|03:27pm]
[ mood | empty ]

I, I don’t want this, but I want it and then not, I do not, when, when do i live without thinking of it, when, when do I get to forget everything, when do I get to be me again, when do I not have to give any more? I held on, right? Long, right? Too long? How long? When may I again, when can i be me again? Must I accept it? Do I have to seem to belong? Will I ever get free? What, what else can I do? How much do I have to do to be free from you, what do I have to do, what should I do, what more can I do? I thank you, oh yes I thank you, for you saved my life, but how long must I suffer and give up for it? How much longer? When I can not anymore… I can’t anymore, No longer anymore, when I have done everything already, that was in my power, What can I then do?…
NOTHING! I can do nothing more…

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Dream [03 Nov 2005|04:44pm]
[ mood | restless ]

Whisper in the yard and turn the trees all into toys
Lay there on the ground, and turn the dirt into your joy
From what I see and what I know, it's all been boring lately
So I suggest we trade a question mark in for a maybe
Time your riddles right, and make a point that has no sense
Make sure that you're smiling, and the money's been well spent
Innocence and ignorance, it all goes hand in hand
I'm not sure that I'm right, but I hope you'll understand
I hope that you're still searching for the start that has no end
And all the plastic people have now become your friends
Before you start to drift and your soul begins to strain
I just wanted to tell you that you're listening to a dream

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solutions... [25 Aug 2005|12:30pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I remember asking a lot of "what if" questions with the worst fears in mind and most of those fears have gotten worse. I don't feel like myself anymore. Damn I have felt more like myself when i was drinking all the time and just messing myself up. I am thinking al ot about ways out again. I won't make it and i know it. The only question is what do i do 'til then.
I got fired from a job i found after a week for getting in a fight with one of the employees. There wasn't even a reason to attack him. He threatened to press changes which may not be all too bad. I am thinking of doing something very dumb just to get arrested and go to jail for a while. it would give me time i need to think...

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[04 Jul 2005|09:42pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I will not make it...

3 comments|post comment

[21 Apr 2005|01:13pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

I wonder sometimes way people collect so much junk that is totally worthless. I mean who in the world needs over twenty decks of cards except me? Tell what the hell was the point to that... I think I got carried away with throwing things away. I just put everything that did not seem important in boxes and got rid of them. It makes things easier. Whats that saying again... 'When in doubt, throw it out'.
Twenty eight days seem like an eternity, but it is only four weeks.
I lost my necklace. That doesn't sound so important but I have been wearing it for over four years, almost as long as I have been here. I feel so empty without it. I was thinking that it may be some kind of sign, but I do not really believe in stuff like that. I miss it. It kept me alive for such a long time. Does this mean i should move on or give up?

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[06 Apr 2005|02:02pm]
You are 18% mind-centered, 27% heart-centered, and 59% instinct-centered!

How Do I Interpret My Results?

Since we all possess each center, you will have three scores. Determine your highest percentage. Also keep in mind your second highest percentage. Your second highest reveals a strong tendency toward an additional center. Evenly matched centers are rare, but not unheard of. Explanation of evenly matched centers is currently beyond the scope of this test. Consider yourself a blend of both centers for the time being. Continue reading below for descriptions of each center.


*Dutiful (to others or self)
*Pays attention to details
*Phobic or paranoid
*Intellectual or rational
*Often possess a higher degree of concentration
*Generally longer attention spans
*Emotional minimalists (emotions are sporadic and irrational)


*Often very expressive and communicative
*Pays attention to feelings
*Tend to be temperamental or hostile at times
*An unusual mix of self-interest and deep concern for the external world
*Often possess a higher degree of emotional intelligence (aware of feelings)
*Image centered (presents a crafted persona to the world)
*Empathic, creative, and intuitive.


*Have trouble with feeling disconnected (to others and/or self)
*Capable of intellectual and emotional pursuits, but must focus and expend energy to do them
*Behavior centric (people's behavior is very important)
*Often judgemental or punitive toward "infidels" (people who act poorly)
*Often possess a higher degree of discernment and initiative.
*Generally focused on what is important in life rather than what is trivial and/or not practical.
*Tend to have more outbursts of anger (whether repressed or not; passive or aggressive)

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 7% on mind

You scored higher than 15% on heart

You scored higher than 97% on instinct
Link: The Soul's Orientation Test written by Giogoto on OkCupid Online Dating
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Six [06 Apr 2005|01:38pm]
[ mood | just plain happy. ]

Six weeks and I am nervious as hell. I get to start all over again but I am starting to think that it is not that good of an idea anymore. Well that is not totally true. I am just starting to freak out that i won't be able to make it. I have gotten used to the idiots here and i do not know if i can get used to not living here. I know i will but something in me tells me i won't.
I get to have a dog.... That makes me smile. I miss having one. I have to leave my sweet little guinea pigs here though. My little sweet things.
I have forgoten how much i like living out of a suitcase and boxes. It makes things so easy. I live in the hall way now becuase i have been kicked out of every single room here. Mother is in the living room my brother in my old room and a friend of his in mine. I really dont understand why though. Well who really cares anyways.
I can't wait... six weeks... wow!

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[04 Feb 2005|11:16pm]
[ mood | thirsty ]

I think i have figured out why i have nothing to write on here right now. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out. The reason is that i am too satisfied with life right now. I always used the journal to rant, bitch and complain for so long as a way of venting, but i have nothing to complain about now. To tell the truth i can't write anything anymore. All of my inspiration(as far as you can consider it that) is gone. Oh great and now i am complaining about that. I think that this journal has bad influence on me. It makes me rant, all i have to do is sit here and type and i just start bitching around. Imagine what other people must think of me when they read this... "wow, thats a idiot"
About one hundred days till i get to leave here. That sounds so lone but it is only three months. Imagine that three months... three months, what can all happen in three months and what will happen when that time is over. Will it really change me as i want it too or not. Will i feel better? Is t really the solution? Oh great now i know the answer... No, it is not an answer to anything and it will not change a thing, but it will allow me to change. I hope, I really hope so.
New people? More people to disagree with? More to dislike? Or more to like? Will I or all people be able to get my own life going? What do I want out of my life? What about the future? No, I'm not talking about the far away future. I'm talking about the next months not years. How can i contemplate years when i can not imagine minutes? People ask me where i see myself when i am thirty and I tell them ask me when i am twenty-nine, maybe then i will know. What i truly see when i try to think of my thirty is nothing. I never expected to have a future. Carpé Dium!!! I don't and I WON'T waste my time with my future. Damn i get nervous when i have to make plans a month in advance. if it were up to me i would live out of a car and be able to go where i want. That would be me.
I have had the hardest time trying to focus on the fact that I will be able to move home. Home is where the heart is...right? Home is that what every human needs, if it be a house, a apartment, a car, a place under a bridge or a anywhere else you feel safe. Where no one can find you if you don't want them to. No one can bother you and no one can hurt you there. It would be a sanctuary. Too bad many people don't have something like that...

4 comments|post comment

[12 Jan 2005|12:23pm]
[ mood | blank ]

OK i felt like writing here, but now that i started i have totally forgot what i wanted. A few of my friends that moved away to moskau came to visit me for a day(without warning) and i had to spend yesterday drinking. I had just suceeded in stoping. I forgot how much i had missed them. We got to talk and i told them about my plans to move and they were the forst people here that were happy for me. They wished me the best and made me promise not to forget them and have an guest bedroom. Everyone here keeps saying that it isn't a good idea to leave germany, "It is too unsure for your future". My work wants me to stay forever, my family is acting like i am just leaving them because i dont like them and my few friends are pissed for the same reason. Who the hell is thinking about me? I have not liked it hear since i was small and even less since i lived here. Is what i want not important anymore?
i'm ranting again aren't i? sorry

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[10 Jan 2005|10:58am]
[ mood | Whoot! ]

Saying this isn't that good of an idea becuase it may change my luck, but I have been haveing alot of luck lately. Everyday is something new, everyday is something that makes me curious to see the next. Everything is well and good..seriously. I have my flight booked for my return. Just the thought of haveing a "One Way" ticket is making me wish time would go faster. I can imagine what will happen when i have the ticket in my hand. I will probably go crazy with happiness.
Ok i can't think i have to get somestuff done.
I have a christmas tree on my bed. I dont know exactly how it got there but i think it has something to do with the fact that my mom is pissed at me for not being around durning christmas or new years and i was supose to throw the tree off the balcony on friday, but i left to see a friend. I must now remove a million little needles from my bed and floor. Evil holiday stuff....

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[06 Jan 2005|01:28pm]
[ mood | Happy ]

I forgot how good it feels to get away from life for a while. I have spent the last five weeks or so just traveling around and staying where ever i wanted. It felt good to not have to deal with anything for a while and to find out who I really am. I have made a lot of chioces and I am happy that i could finally do that. I talked to my dad last night and I got him take his vacation to come and get me when i move back in may. I even called his boss to make sure he could get the time off. It will be just a little more than four months. I am excited that I can leave here. Now I must be off and call my work to see if they are really pissed at me for leaving so long and that around the holidays.

13 comments|post comment

[26 Nov 2004|11:28pm]
[ mood | scared and depressed ]

What is wrong with me? That is a question that i will never want or be able to understand. I have this feeling in me that something is pulling me down and the fact that I don't fight it doesn't matter anymore.
The last few days I have been having this dream and this same "dream" as a so called 'vision' or i guess you could call it an haluciation. I see a person dressed in dark clothing that sends a shiver down my back and then i see myself fall from a high place with a body of water under me. Then i snap out of it.

more of that old stuffCollapse )

(I think i shouldn't have writin that here so please dont make me regret it.)

10 comments|post comment

Smile god damnit! [19 Nov 2004|12:26am]
[ mood | scared ]

ISn't life just wonderful. Everything is perfect. Nothing to cmplain about, noone that bothers you. And most of all no emotional problems. Life is wonder ful. lalala...

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creative [16 Nov 2004|11:38pm]
[ mood | gone ]

written between Sep 16th and 27th


i adore You so...
Master...my prayer for you shows the union of our souls
i fear no other power...for You, my Master, are always near..
You are my Saviour..
my guiding light..
my life ..
my will..
You possess my soul..
You engulf my mind..
You enflame my heart..
You consume my body...
You are my Protector..
my Teacher..
my Mentor...
my Lover..
my Friend..
You are my True Master..
My Master owns me completely..
i am His eternal slave..
i have no wants or needs...
only the deep desire to strive
my best to fulfill all of Masters
needs and desires completely..
for He is my true happiness..
my every reason for living and loving
so completely..Master..
i thank You .. Master
for all the gifts that You
have given to me..
the gift of rediscovery of my true
inner being..
for accepting my submission to You
for claiming and collaring me
as Your submissive/slave
the gift of freedom within
I thank Thee Master
for Your Love and Ownership of me
for the gift of time and presence
that You so allow me...
may i have the strength to continue
my growth deep within
Thy dominence over me
now and forever...
Master and slave...

i Adore You so...Master
for i know in my hearts my true place
i Need You so...Master
life is deep within Your Ownership
for without Your hunger for Dominence..
i would not exist in any other way...
i Worship You so...Master
for i am nothing more than Your humble slave
here for Your pleasure .. seeking to fulfill Your
every need and desire..
You fill my life so completely…my body craves for Your touch ...my mind yearns for You....my soul soars within You ...my will is Yours alone..
my Master

--yes i know i have a messed up mind

Sep 16thCollapse )
Sep 6thCollapse )

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trying to stop [11 Nov 2004|10:54pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

I am trying to quit smoking. I decided that last night when i didn't find any sigs anymore. Now about twenty four hours latter i am about to flipp. I know I can quit i have done it many times before...

SEP 28thCollapse )
i am shaking again. it makes it hard to tape..

2 comments|post comment

[11 Nov 2004|10:39pm]
[ mood | nervous as hell ]

OCT 15-1Collapse )

Wow a lot of short things after another... i can even confuse myself.
Happiness i got to talk to Claudia... again...

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[11 Nov 2004|12:34am]
[ mood | nervous ass hell ]

I chose to write them backwards. Starting with the newest and then working my way back in time. It may seem a bit strage but i will make such a difference if you see where is started and when it ended... the same all the time i think

NOV 2ndCollapse )
I founf out how to make the lj-cut things...that wil make sure the posts aren't too long.

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entry from novenber tenth... [10 Nov 2004|11:25pm]
[ mood | alone ]

things i miss most:
my dad
and most of all the beach!
I wrote the following last night and because i am a bit bored i tryped it up here.

Nov 10th 1:09am
Iwas doing so good...I swear i was.
I was feeling happier than i normaly am able to.
Everything has change. I have to start over again after losing my savings and losing my hope that i had just found again. I need someone to hold me and to tell it will all be ok. I need someone I can trust. I hate being alone. Why am I always alone when it hurts most and have someone when i don't want/need them? Everyone I (could) need is far away. I feel alone here and I can not stand it much longer. If I don't leave here soon enough what will happen? Will I have the strength to stay any longer? People offer me help that I can't except and others just hate me for thinking of myself.
My life is good... I swear it was.
and imagine i have loose pages lying in a book filled with such crap that i write when i can not sleep and have drank too much. I think i need to stop my drinking soon... even though it is one of the harmlesser of my main habbits...
I think i am going to type up what i have writen just to make sure it goes through my head again...
and since i have chosen to type a few here do not be surprised when a few entries are in German since i don't believ in hiding my thoughts from people...


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